yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
