Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
