I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
