he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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