So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Even my vagina gasped.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
do nipples grow back?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
