I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
