I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
