i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
