Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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