I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
