If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
