On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
