the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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