I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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