please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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