Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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