Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
