Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize