He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
