Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
