shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
