Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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