Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well I just put wine in my tea
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
