The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
