Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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