when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
