God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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