so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
