He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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