Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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