i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
