Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
