OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
