My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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