So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
They are going to name an STD after you.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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