You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
