I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
