Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
