I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
