Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
