I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
True strength comes from lack of pants
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
