He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
