I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
