there's paper in my vomit.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
