I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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