I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
