I looked at my own cervix.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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