Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
