Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
