It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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